Hey guys,

My name is Dean. Wanna know something about me then ask, I love to chat to intelligent,​ funny like minded people but I am also willing to chat to anyone from the US lol.

Heres a little about me...

I get up after hitting the snooze button a minimum of six times. I make a coffee, then sit in the shower drinking it es until the initial agony of knowing I have to spend another day with my coworkers dissipates. I generally spend this time trying to calculate the pros and cons of just not turning up. I know they will bitch but their opinions mean little to anyone so sometimes I just stay in the shower for an hour and then go back to bed. If I do decide to go in, I sit in an office the size of a wardrobe and temperature of a kiln or deep freeze (depending on the outside temp) prostituting​ myself by spending the day trying to convince people that the contaminatio​n in dirt is dangerous and that what I do is not some tree hugging save the world fad. This pretty much sums up the entire environmenta​l industry.

Sometimes I grumble and whine out loud so that people think I am working but I will be on the internet instead. It has lots of things on there I like. As I am possibly the laziest person I know, the consulting industry is only field I can survive in. I would last less than an hour doing manual labour of any form and I often cope on less than two hours sleep a night so anything requiring alertness or intelligence​ is out of the question. As is anything requiring personal hygiene. This leaves either teaching, taxi driving or my boss's position. As his job role consists only of pretending to talk on the phone, passing blame and downloading pornography,​ I am more than qualified.

Scamers beware.....I​ have already been scammed so don't waste your time....
Mr Bandabaloobi​ said he was from the Nigerian Bank, wefirst met when he wrote me an email explaining he needed me to transfer 3 million dollars out of the country because a rich old guy had died and the government was going to keep the money unless I could help and for this I would receive a percentage.

So naturally I gave them my account details and bought a plane ticket to Nigeria to meet Mr Bandabaloobi​ and sign the transfer papers.
Once I arrived I was beaten and taken to a small hotel room on the outskirts of town. I was stripped and kissed by dark and very hairy men. One of the men, named Carl, was very gentle and told me he loved me but the others were rough. So very rough. I struggled and told them I was a friend of Mr Bandabaloobi​ but they tied me up and took turns kissing my beautiful body, touching me and making me do things I had sometimes thought about and imagined, but had never expected to really happen because I am straight.

The fact that one of the men looked like a black version of my old scoutmaster kind of freaked me out and Carl turned out to be huge but like i said, he was very gentle and we just took things really slow. He's cool, we have swapped emails since. Nothing gay though, cause he knows I am straight.

Having survived the ordeal and returned home, my only regret is that I missed my meeting with Mr Bandabaloobi​ and didnt get to see any african animals like giraffes and lions and those little things that peek up really quick and look around and then pop back down really quick. They are really cool. They are like those little dogs that live on the prairie. Cant remember what those ones are called either but they look a little bit like otters. They dont live in water like otters though, they live on the prairies. No, I dont know what a prairie is.

Now for some random stuff.....I got the word random off a friend of mine so I could be cool like her and I think she got it off some teenage kids she hangs around with for fun...I always wanted to be a cool kid

Anhus Street

A street I drive past every day is called 'Anhus Street' and is very distracting.​ Every few weeks, someone (I am assuming a kid) spraypaints out the 'h' making it read anus and then a few days later, someone (I am assuming an elderly street resident) paints the 'h' back in. If I was boss of the world I would change that street name legally to anus street to annoy both of them.

Dreams

I hate it when people tell me "I had a weird dream last night..."​. I dont care, it didn't really happen and it is going to be boring. Just because you dreamt it doesn't make it interesting to anyone. I knew someone who told me a dream and it went on for about twenty minutes. That is nineteen minutes and sixty seconds longer than I have to care about something that didn't really happen. Another time she was telling me about a dream her auntie had, so not only was I listening to something that didn't really happen, I was listening to something that didn't really happen to someone I didn't even know. I glass over and my mind wanders after the words "I had a weird dream last night..."​ so it is just a waste of everyones time. The statement she made, "If you cared about me you would be interested in my dreams"​, I will put down to the fact that she was an idiot and possibly slightly crazy because she owned more than two cats.

Parking spot

A few weeks ago, some guy in a shitty bmw parked in my 'reserved and paid for' parking spot in a small lot. I printed out an A4 (helvetica demi bold 12pt) note stating that this was a paid for parking spot and not to park there again. A couple of days later he parked there again. I printed out an A3 (helvetica black 42pt) sign stating 'Reserved Parking, Do not park here' sign and used spray adhesive (3M®) to mount it on the wall in front of my spot. When I went to park in my spot the next day he had written in texta, after "Reserv​ed Parking', the words 'For Wankers'. About three days later I saw his car parked in the street so I printed out a poster in A2 (helvetica black, 92pt, reversed) with the word 'Fuckhead' and applied it with spray adhesive to his windscreen, ensuring (as per instructions​) I sprayed both materials to be bonded. The disadvantage​ of course is that I am too scared to park in my spot but he is also too scared to park there so I will class this as a draw for the moment and find a new spot.


Girls That have said no Part 1

While working at a horse riding camp several years ago, I spent a good twenty minutes explaining to a group, which consisted of twelve children and their young teacher, the importance of horse safety before walking behind a horse and being kicked in the head. I recall only walking in a zigag back to the house with the muffled sounds of children screaming in the background before collapsing and waking up in hospital. While I was there, with a fractured skull, the teacher bought me in a get well soon card signed by all the children so I asked her out but she said no.


Girls That have said no Part 2

While I was in a electronics store called Jaycar buying something with blinking lights, a girl approached and asked me a question concerning which network cable would be suitable for her needs. Wanting to appear helpful, I found a large selection of cables and listed the benefits of each. After she explained that the cable needed to be long enough to reach from her neighbours house to hers as her neighbour had offered to share their broadband, I laughed and told her that was the 'stupidest thing I have ever heard and did not know if the store had cables that long' so she asked "Well, can I speak to someone else then?".​ I looked blank before realising that I was wearing a blue shirt the same colour as the staff that worked there and the whole time I had been helping her she had assumed that I was an employee. After explaining to her that I did not work there and denying that I had been pretending to do so, I asked her out but she said no.

Girls That have said no Part 3

A lady (aged one hundred and ninety) at the counter at Myers in front of me yelled "My purse" then looked at me and proclaimed "You took my purse" so I said "yes, I took your purse, I collect them." and she started yelling at me and the department manager came over and I had to explain that I was not admitting to the theft, I was being sarcastic. Her purse ended up in one of the many bags she was carrying but she continued to glare at me without so much as an apology. When the girl served me she apologised and I asked her "Why, did you arrange someone to act like an old crazy woman for me?" and she laughed and said that I was funny so I asked her out but she said no.

I love dolphins so much. They are so graceful, sleek, acrobatic, and wet. If I was a dolphin I would be one of those brave ones that fights sharks.I read somewhere that the dolpin in Flipper was actually several dolphins as the dolphins kept dying. Or it might have been Skippy the  kangaroo, I forget which. Either way it is very sad.

Once when I was swimming, I found myself caught in a rip and was carried far out to sea. After several weeks of treading water, I became too weak and gave up hope. As I slipped from the surface and slowly sank like that guy in the movie Titanic, I was rescued by a friendly dolphin who carried me back to his family and fed and nursed me back to health before constructing​ a small raft out of kelp for me on which I sailed back to shore.

I also really like monkeys...If​ I had a monkey, I would teach him how to do my hair - using the appropriate amount of product. I would then set the alarm for him to get up half an hour before I do and do my hair while I am still asleep. This would either give me more time in the morning or allow me to spend more time sleeping. I would just waste the extra half hour anyway so probably better to sleep but as I usually don't rock up to work till ten thirty or so, I could try leaving earlier. This would give me more time to write about what I would do if I had a monkey.

I would also teach it to track down people who annoy me by using their profile photo and google maps. Using earpieces to communicate,​ I would have my monkey conceal himself behind the person typing on this website and when that person wrote something stupid or tried to scam me I would have my monkey run up and slap them on the back of the head really hard then make a quick escape. Having several monkeys would be more convenient but I don't have time to train seven monkeys, what with having to do my own hair in the mornings.

I love all kinds, unless its dance, trance, whingey teenage love crap or Nickelback

I love a bit of old school Henry Rollins and Black Flag dedicated to my best friend forever Hayley who loves them more than MDMA. I complained that this is not my type of music, it hurt my ears and that I could not understand the words but she demanded this dedication to her. As she is female and therefore used to getting everything she wants, I feared any reprisal from disobedience​. She can be very intimidating​ as she is covered in tattoos of dolphins, horses, lions and mythical beasts. The asian symbol tattooed on her inner left thigh means 'Altruism' but it is a lie.

Spiderman 3

I can get by the escaped convict falling into an open air particle accelerator (we have one in the vacant lot next door and I am always telling my 2 year old to stop playing near it), I can even get by the space slime landing coincidently​ metres from Peter and jumping on his bike... What I cant get past is Mary Jane. What a ******* bitch. In the first movie she is letting the school bully do her, then she lets the rich guy, then Peter has a turn. In the second movie she goes through about eighteen different guys before abandoning her big expensive wedding after realising Peter is spiderman. In the third film I think she does about sixty guys and whinges a lot about peter saving lives instead of coming to the theatre to watch her crap acting. Why does he put up with her? It makes no sense and is the one glaring discrepancy in an otherwise completely scientifical​ly believable movie.

Whatever I have to watch

TV Guide

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

I have kleptomania,​
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

I may be schizophreni​c,
but at least I have each other.

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol..

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.