Hey...if you visit my page, drop in and say hi, ok? My self esteem is SO fragile. And you wouldn't wanna be responsible for me crying myself to sleep would you?

I wish I had a nickel for every time somebody said "I'm shy until you get to know me...". Puh-leez, how are we gonna get to know each other, if you're shy? Cowboy up, dammit, and give me a holler. You'll be pleasantly surprised to find a man CAN carry his end of a conversation. As for what I look like: 6 feet tall, blue eyes. I know that could describe Brad Pitt as well, but after those two attributes, the resemblance turns to sh*t in a hurry. But if you just GOT to know what I look like, go check out my "Don't Blame Me" album. Just try not to fall like a blind roofer for me, ok?

Oh, and I am off the market. I'm sorry to destroy your fantasies, but if you can dry your tears enough to see the screen and message me, I'll show you how happiness CAN be yours anyway.

Talk to me. Or better still, message me. I'll get the cats to help me with the spelling. While I am a fair hand at emails, I do even better in messages and chat, and thats no shee-it. Just try me on for size. Oh, and please...do try to have a sense of humor about you? I've noticed that the more serious one takes himself, the LESS serious others do. Especialmente moi, ma petite cherie.


ATTENTION: FOR THOSE OF YOU WISHING TO ADOPT ME, MARRY ME, OR MAKE ME RICH, PLEASE FILL OUT THIS APPLICATION. ALL ENTRIES WILL BE CONSIDERED. THANK YOU.

Name:_______________________
Nickname:____________________
CB Handle:___________________
Address (RFD No.)_____________

Daddy (if unknown, list 3 suspects):____________________
Mama:_______________________

Neck Shade:_________Light Red _________Medium Red __________Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_______ Lower________

Name of Pickup owned:________________________
Height of Truck________________

Truck equipped with:
Gun Rack ______
4-Wheel Drive ______
Confederate Flag _______
8-Track Deck ______
Load of Wood ______
Hijacker Shocks _______
Radar Detector ______
Mag Wheels ______
Dual CB Antennas _______
Spittoon ______
Camper Top ______
Air Horns ______
Yosemite Sam Mud Flaps ______
Toothpick Holder______
Mud-Grip Tires _______
Racoon Hide ______
Big Dog_____

Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup:_________

BUMPER STICKERS:

Eat More Possum _____
My Other Car Is A Piece Of Sh*t Too ___
Honk If You're H*rny _____
If You Ain't Redneck You Ain't Sh*t _____
Redman Chewing Tobacco _____
Guns Don't Kill People, I Kill People ___

Define the following (must be 90% correct):

Grits
Sawmill Gravy
Cobbler
Tater
Goobers
Turnip Greens
Fatback
Middlin' Meat
Side Meat
Sh*t-on-a-Shingle
Tote
Okry
Collards
Cat Head
Chicken Fry
Shonuf
Soppin' Syrup
Poke
Chitlins

Favorite Vocalist:

Reba McEntire ____
Conway Twitty ____
Loretta Lynn ____
Hank Williams Jr. ____
Randy Travis ____
Buck Owens____
Tammy Wynette ____
Slim Whitman ____
Porter Wagoner ____
Willie Nelson ____
George Jones ____
Box Car Willie____
Skeeter Davis____

Favorite Recreation:

Square Dancin' ____
Possum Huntin' ____
Skinny Dippin' ____
Craw Daddin' ____
Gospel Sangin'____
Snipe Huntin'____
4-Wheelin' ____
Drankin' ____
Spittin' T'baccy ____
Cow Chip Throwin' ____
Honky Tonkin' ____
Noodlin' ____
Other____

Name of son(s):
Bubba _______Jim Bob _______Lee Roy ______J.D._____

Name of Daughter(s):
Linda Sue ______Wynona ______Juanita_____Sissy____

Weapons owned:

Sawed-off Shotgun _____
Varmint Rifle _____
Loggin' Chain____
Brass Knuckles_____
Broke-off Beer Bottle____
Tire Iron _____
Pick Handle _____

Number of Dogs:_____
Type:
Blue Tick ______
Black & Tan _______
Coon Dawg _______
Bird Dawg_____

Cap Emblem:
John Deere _____
McCulloch Chain Saws _____
Budweiser _____
Skoal_____
Coors_____
Cat _____
Smile If You Ain't Wearin' Underwear____

Number of Dependents: _______Legal _______Claimed

Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________

Number of Welfare Checks Received:_________

Memberships:

NRA ___
PTL Club ___
AA ___
Bass Club ___
VFW ___
Quiltin' Bee ___
American Legion ___
United Sons and Daughters of the Confederacy ___
John Birch Society____

Length of Right Leg:__________
Length of Left Leg:___________
Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color of Primer Red? Yes ___No___
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?__________
How many kitchen appliances do you keep on your front porch?__________
Do you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?________
Do you own shoes? _____Yes _____No If yes, how many?_________
What year did you last purchase shoes?_________
Are you married to any of the following: _______Sister _______Cousin ________Sow
Do you know her name? _____________
Does your spouse weigh more than your pickup?_________
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?___________
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?__________
If so, why?_________
Can you count past 10 with your shoes on?________
Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______________
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?_______________

Medical Information:

Do you have at least two of the following:
BO ____
Crabs ____
Head Lice _____
Rabies ____
Trench Mouth _____
Runny Nose_____
Bad Breath____
Chronic Itchin'____

THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST. IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN, YOU MAY STILL QUALIFY TO INTERACT WITH PEOPLE FROM ARKANSAW, AS THEIR STANDARDS ARE SOMEWHAT LOWER THAN MOST.

I know a good deal of Spanish, am fluent in English, Texan, redneck, and ebonics, and I know just enough German, French, and Italian to get my a*s whupped.

Swimming, reading, road trips, museums, crosswords, readin' up on history, eyeball travel, trading jokes and forwards via email, chat, Mexican food con una cerveza fria,  gettin' jiggy wit it...

The Beer Barrel Polka rates right up there. But I'm probably the creme de la creme when it comes to musical eclecticism. Classic rock, country, alternative, Cajun, classical, even show tunes.

One that holds my interest. The Usual Supects, The Departed, Dumb And Dumber, Saving Private Ryan, Airplane!, and Doubt are good examples. Mental pap like Air Bud? Sucks wind.

Just saw "Milk"...if you can handle the guy-on-guy stuff, its a great movie. Sean Pen earned that Oscar, fer sher.

Big Brother, Survivor, all Law And Orders, all CSI's, Deadliest Catch, Man v. Food, Dirty Jobs...

ER: Its...gone. How will I ever fill my Thursday nights now??? Owooooo.....

Best ever: The Stand. Although Michener, Clancy, Cussler, L'Amour and them fellers are pretty good reading too.

"You gonna pull those pistols or whistle "Dixie"? - Josey Wales

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son." - Dean Wormer

"I sleep, my dreams lit by the candles of the stars..." - Me

"You can't respect someone who kisses your as*. You just can't do it." - Ferris Bueller

"I think I'm allergic to alcohol. Every time I get drunk, I break out in handcuffs" - ???

"If music be the food of love, play on..." Shakespeare

"You can saddle a pig like a racehorse, and you can even trot him around a racetrack, but in the end...he still goes 'oink' every time" - Wayne Eads

"What's 'booga wooga'? I don't know...but when I say 'booga wooga', you better f*cking figure it out." - Superstar

"Oh yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone..."- John Mellenkamp

"Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are . . ." - Alfred Lord Tennyson

"Youth is wasted on the young" - I don't know but ain't it the dayum truth!

"Rather a severe cure for flatulence, I do admit..." The Road To Wellville

"Still stands thine ancient sacrifice, an humble and a contrite heart" - Rudyard Kipling

"No matter how good she looks, someone, some-WHERE, is sick of her sh*t" - The Guy I Work With