Happily married, not looking for furtive liasons. I got offered redundancy at the age of 52 so I took the money and ran (to Gran Canaria), where I'm forced to spend my declining years on sun-drenched beaches, surrounded by half-naked women, sad, isn't it. Now living on my meagre pension but have an apartment two minutes from the beach and no debts. My wife used to teach four days a week, but now is retired and enjoying it. I cook (my wife hates to cook), clean the house (not to her standards, but I do my best) and drive the car (the "Keep Death off the Roads" campaign begged her to give up lessons) , so I'm not over-burdened with things to do - hence this ad.

No Africans (I say again NO AFRICANS - perhaps I should write this in  Swahili, as no one seems to either read this or understand it) who think I'll give them the number of my bank account (for what's in there it's hardly worth the trouble). I don't know why I bothered to put this in, nobody seems to read this stuff, it seems that Africans look at my photo and think, "Sad old git, he must be desperate for an e-mail" and don't bother to read further. I've heard the sob story about murdered parents and millions tied up in a bank somewhere, and, even if it wasn't a scam, I still wouldn't care!
No religious maniacs. I don't begrudge anyone their beliefs, but I have my own and don't try to force them on anyone, and I'd like the same courtesy from others.

No "Friend Requests" from people who can't be bothered to write a letter first (does anyone ever read this?)- this isn't "Facebook"! I don't need 500 idiots claiming to be my friend, when they can barely manage to write a couple of lines.
   Can't do snail mail - the postal service here is so bad that the locals say that, if you kill someone and need to get rid of the body, just wrap it well, take it to the post office and address it to anyone, and it will never be seen again!

Travel, cooking (I now have around 300 recipe books, I counted them when I had nothing better to do, (does this make me a sad git?) and flea markets. I'm very fond of cats but I'm not owned by one at the moment, no one here to look after a cat when we want to go on holiday , but now we have a neighbour's cat, who, for some inexplicable reason, likes to sleep on our doormat. I'm quite fascinated by the Spanish Civil War, and collect anything to do with the subject.

Classical, Latin, golden oldies- Can't stand rap, reggaeton and suchlike rubbish, and Country upsets my stomach. Whatever happened to good music? I almost never turn the radio on and most of my CDs are titled "Best of..." or "Greatest Hits of ....". I'm also getting into what they call "Smooth Jazz" - probably a sign of getting old!

Truly, Madly, Deeply - The Piano and daft comedies (Pink Panther, In and Out etc). Just love Mamma Mia (when do you ever see Meryl Streep in anything cheerful?), and Ice Age (1,2 &3)

CSI,  Bones. We just get Spanish TV here, and, it seems, whenever something really good appears, it gets cancelled or shown in the middle of the night, only "Tele-mierda" seems to survive. TV has been so bad lately that we've been watching stuff on the Classic Movie Channel most nights. Remember when movies had actors in them, instead of Hollywood pretty boys?

Detective novels, anything by David Gemmell or Terry Pratchett. Anything by Arturo Perez Reverte (except "El Pintor de Batallas - I couldn't get through it).

Life - If you can't take a joke you shouldn't have joined