Can't sleep

Just got back in Manila ✈️✈️✈️

Have you ever stared at someone and then you felt a pang of pain inside your chest because you realized that he's no longer the same person that you've ever loved before? It's like looking at the same face three years ago, but the difference is that— the person that you met three years ago was so inlove with you, and that person now is inlove with somebody else.

You look at him holding someone else's hands and doing the same things that he used to do for you. You even see him smiling unconsciously while doing the things that he used to hate doing for you. You watch him become happier, and then it hits you. He's fine now. But there you are— still grieving for what happened three years ago. You watch him moved on; and it hits you hard because somehow, you still wish you were that person beside him that makes him happy.

I feel like I am in a constant battle of wanting to chase it all so badly and just accepting those dreams weren't meant for me. Meanwhile, here I am, my physical body feeling too heavy as I drag myself out to move forward even at least a tiny step. Despite having an unsure and reluctant heart, I still want to show up for myself and do those little things and habits that would benefit me in achieving those dreams, because I believe I am still up for more. I still want to hold onto the thought that there's more room and chances for me and my dreams. In this journey, I have faith that I would at least meet those desires and have a peek at what it would look like. This life has a lot of things to offer and opportunities that would open for us. With this wary heart, perhaps, it would be hard fighting the battle created between me and the person within me. I guess I would still keep on dragging myself to show up, move slowly, take those baby steps, and be there. Who knows? Me and my dreams would end up working out together. And if not, at least I have tried finding it.

Ma feet hurts so much!

We don't have to force someone to choose us. I know that it is easier said than done, but the truth is, we can't really do anything when somebody decides not to choose us. It's easier to say "let go," but it's really hard to walk away from someone who means everything to us. It will never be easy to accept the pain of being unwanted. It is never easy to watch someone we love choose and love someone else with all their heart. Somehow we wish to be someone else, because we think that we might feel wanted too if we were a different person. I know what it feels like to be taken for granted, to be unchosen, and to be left behind when all I ever needed was to be loved and kept. And that is why I want to tell everyone right now about something that I've learned from the betrayals and pain that I've suffered because of the ones who didn't choose me. I realized that begging someone to love us, to treat us properly, or to choose us over someone else is not necessary. We don't have to force someone to choose us because someone who genuinely loves and values us will stay with us under any circumstances, unless we're not treating them right. But if we know deep in our hearts that we keep trying to love them with everything we have and they still choose someone else over us, maybe it's time for us to stop holding someone who doesn't want to be held in our arms.

Allow someone to leave when you already feel so unloved and unwanted. Allow people to choose someone else if that's what their heart truly wants. It's called self-respect. We all know that sometimes it hurts more than death to see our love being with someone else. But we will not be forcing someone to choose us. It's not because we are not enough or not worthy of being loved; we will not be forcing anyone because we deserve better. We deserve someone who will never let us question our worth. We deserve people who will tell us that they love us from the very start and will continue to prove it until the end.

We don't have to force someone to choose us, because the ones who truly want us will always be afraid to lose us in their lives.

I hope to fall in love with someone who understands that I need to be treated with kindness and patience most of the time. I hope someone will come into my life with good intentions and will always be consistent with them. I honestly need someone who will make me feel that I am worthy of love, because all this time, I've been treated like I was hard to love. I want someone who is genuine enough to make me feel special and brave enough to fight for me all the time. I know sometimes I am really hard to deal with; I need constant reassurance, I need validation for my feelings, and I always need to feel valued, especially on the days that I feel like questioning my worth. But I hope someone will be patient with me and understand that I need him more on the days that I feel like I am not whole. I know that sometimes I am hard to understand, but I hope I fall in love with someone who will never stop caring for me.

I believe that it is hard to find a genuine and kind lover nowadays. It's really hard to trust people because I'll never really know who will love me wholeheartedly until the end of time or who will only hurt me in the end. But I hope someone who has honest and unconditional love will find me. Nobody really knows how many times I got my heart broken and how many times I lost myself in the name of love. But I'm still hoping that the universe will finally allow me to meet someone who will do nothing to me but give me everything that I deserve. I hope that no matter how many times I've been hurt before, I will still end up falling in love with someone who appreciates me, sees my worth, and never gives up on me because he loves me for who I was, who I am, and who I will become in the future.

Good evening

Good evening